Ask now what they would want
Where they want to be, who decides, what they would refuse. Asked over tea it is a conversation. Asked in a corridor it is a crisis.
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The BeingKind editorsPublished How this is written
Why it lands
Families who have never had this conversation end up having it in a hospital, between people who are frightened and disagreeing, and guessing. Families who have had it once find it enormously easier, and the person themselves usually finds it a relief — most older people have thought about this far more than their children have, and have been waiting for somebody to be willing to hear it. The reluctance is nearly always the younger person's.
How
Say plainly why you are asking: that you would rather know than guess. Ask where they would want to be looked after, who they want deciding, and what they would not want done. Write down what they say. Once is enough; you do not need to keep returning to it.
Answer if you want. It changes which ideas are shown first.
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A written list of what else helps in the same situation.
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