Check on the friend who is visibly fine
Support goes to people who are obviously struggling. The competent ones are assumed not to need any.
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The BeingKind editorsPublished How this is written
Why it lands
Appearing to cope is a skill, and the people best at it get the least attention — their friends assume they are fine and direct concern elsewhere. It becomes self-reinforcing: they get less practice at saying they are not okay, so they say it less, so nobody asks. The people who look most solid are frequently the ones nobody has genuinely asked in years.
How
Be explicit about why you are asking, because the usual how-are-you will get the usual answer: “You're always the one holding everything up. How are you actually doing?” Then sit through the pause rather than filling it.
Answer if you want. It changes which ideas are shown first.
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