Collection
When someone is caring for someone
Carers get asked how the person they care for is doing. They rarely get asked how they are, and they almost never get offered anything specific. The pattern in this collection is deliberate: nothing here is a sentiment, because sentiment is the one thing a carer already has plenty of.
Two points worth knowing before you offer. Time is worth more than money to almost every carer, and it has to be specific — "let me know if you need anything" transfers the work of asking onto the person with no capacity left. And carers are frequently owed money and support they do not know about, because nobody has ever sat down and checked.
12 things you can do
In roughly the order they tend to be needed.
Every conversation they have is about somebody else. Reversing the order of two questions is free.
Ask the carer before you ask about the patient
Every single conversation starts with how the ill person is doing. The carer is asked second, or not at all.
5 minutesFreeA caregiver
A specific offer of time is the thing carers say they want and almost never receive.
Give a carer two hours, not sympathy
The one thing carers cannot buy, borrow or manufacture is time when they are not responsible for anyone.
An afternoonFreeA caregiver
Carers skip their own healthcare first. This is the version of two hours that matters most.
Cover so the carer can see a doctor themselves
Carers routinely postpone their own health appointments for years because there is nobody to take over.
An afternoonFreeA caregiver
One unbroken night's sleep is worth more than a fortnight of sympathy.
Take one night shift
Sleep deprivation is the part of caring that breaks people, and it is the hardest thing to ask anyone for.
OngoingFreeA caregiver
The forms are long, hostile, and standing between somebody exhausted and money they are entitled to.
Fill in the benefits form with them
Carer's and disability forms run to dozens of pages and are refused on technicalities. Help with one is worth real money.
An afternoonFreeA caregiver
Being the person who chases the discharge team or the pharmacy takes one whole recurring task off them.
Take over dealing with one professional
Carers coordinate between GPs, social workers, pharmacies and schools. Owning one of those relationships lifts real weight.
OngoingFreeA caregiver
Most people respond to a carer's complaint with advice. Very few just let them say it.
Let a carer complain without fixing anything
Carers are not allowed to be resentful in public. Somewhere to say the unsayable is rarer than practical help.
Half an hourFreeA caregiver
One conversation with no illness in it is a rest, and only someone outside the house can give it.
Have a conversation with no illness in it
A carer's entire social life becomes updates about someone else's health. Talking about anything else is a holiday.
Half an hourFreeA caregiver
Carers lose sight of what they are doing well. Telling them what you saw is evidence, not flattery.
Tell a carer what you noticed
Carers watch someone decline daily and lose sight of who they were. An outsider's observation gives that back.
5 minutesFreeA caregiver
Some carers are fifteen and nobody has named it. This is the one on this page most likely to change somebody's life.
Notice the teenager who is doing the caring
Hundreds of thousands of children care for a parent or sibling, and most are invisible to their school and neighbors.
OngoingFreeA caregiver
The card goes to the household and is read as being for the person who is ill.
Send the carer the card, not the household
Cards and gifts go to the patient or to the family. The carer receives almost nothing addressed to them alone.
5 minutesUnder $10A caregiver
Something for the day that has already gone wrong, prepared before it does.
Make a hard-day box for a caregiver
The person looking after someone else is usually the last one anybody looks after.
An afternoonMore than $10A caregiver