Collection
When someone is new here
Being new is mostly an information problem wearing the clothes of a social one. Where things are, how things are done here, what the phrase everyone uses actually means, who to ask. Almost everything in this collection is somebody handing over information they did not notice they had.
The other half is repetition. One invitation is politeness and reads as such. The second invitation is the one that means it — which is why several of these are about doing the thing again rather than doing something new.
12 things you can do
In roughly the order they tend to be needed.
Said plainly and out loud, on a day when they are not sure. Ten seconds.
Say plainly that you are glad they came
Anyone new spends months privately unsure whether they are wanted or merely tolerated. One sentence settles it.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
Asking once, and then getting it right, is a small and permanent signal of whether they matter here.
Learn to say their name properly
People with unfamiliar names spend their lives being mispronounced and told it does not matter.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
Most places plan somebody's first day and abandon them on day two.
Plan someone's first week, not their first day
Onboarding is concentrated in day one, which is the day nobody retains anything.
Half an hourFreeA stranger
The first week is decided at lunchtime, not in the induction.
Sit with whoever started this week
New starters eat alone for longer than anyone realizes, and decide how they feel about a place in the first fortnight.
Half an hourFreeA stranger
Every place runs on rules nobody writes down, and being outside them is exhausting.
Explain the rule nobody writes down
Every workplace, school and country runs on conventions that insiders cannot see and newcomers cannot guess.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
The systems here — the doctor, the council, the school — are opaque by default to anyone new.
Explain how the system here actually works
Registering with a doctor, council tax, school places. Obvious to you, opaque and consequential to a newcomer.
An afternoonFreeA neighbor
The phrase everyone uses does not mean what it says, and nobody ever explains it.
Warn someone what the phrase actually means
'We should do this again sometime' means different things in different places, and getting it wrong is painful.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
The second invitation is the one that means it.
Invite the new family twice
The first invitation is often declined out of uncertainty. The second is the one that establishes it was real.
5 minutesFreeA neighbor
In a group conversation, the person whose second language it is gets dropped within minutes and nobody notices.
Keep including the person whose language it is not
Groups drift back into the majority language within minutes, and the one person left out never says anything.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
Bringing someone into a conversation already in progress is a skill, and it is learnable.
Bring the new person into the group conversation
A circle of people talking is physically closed. Turning your body is the whole mechanism for opening it.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
Your good plumber took you nine years to find. Handing over the list is a real gift.
Hand over your good tradesperson
The reliable plumber, the honest garage, the dentist taking patients. Newcomers pay a premium for not knowing.
5 minutesFreeA neighbor
Being asked to give something, rather than only receive it, is what stops it feeling like charity.
Ask someone to teach you their food
Being asked to share something from home reverses the usual direction, where the newcomer receives and thanks.
An afternoonUnder $10A neighbor