Collection
When you are the one who got it wrong
Every other collection here is about somebody else's situation. This one is about yours. It is also the only one where the kind act costs you something — status, usually, or the comfort of not thinking about it.
The pattern running through these is that the apology most people give is designed to make the apologizer feel better. It explains, it contextualizes, it mentions what they were dealing with at the time. All of that hands the other person a case to answer, which is the opposite of what an apology is for.
The other half is time. Almost every entry here gets harder the longer you leave it, and the person on the other end has usually spent that time assuming something worse than the truth.
8 things you can do
In roughly the order they tend to be needed.
The single most common way an apology fails. Everything after "but" is a defense, and it converts the whole thing into an argument.
Apologize without explaining yourself
Most apologies contain a defense, which converts them into an argument the other person now has to have.
5 minutesFreeA friend
The longest-running one. Whatever you are dreading, the person waiting has already imagined worse.
Answer the message you have been avoiding
The longer a reply is owed the harder it gets, and the person waiting has usually assumed something worse than the truth.
5 minutesFreeA friend
If you were wrong where people could see it, being right quietly afterwards does nobody any good.
Correct your own mistake where you made it
Misinformation spreads further than corrections. Correcting yourself in the original place is the only version that works.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
Adults almost never apologize downwards, and a child who is never apologized to learns that being in charge is what decides who was wrong.
Apologize to a child properly
Adults rarely apologize downwards, and a child who is never apologized to learns that power decides who was wrong.
5 minutesFreeA friend
Most estrangements are held in place by two people each waiting for the other one, both certain they were the wronged party.
Make the first move after a long silence
Most estrangements are maintained by both sides waiting for the other, each assuming they are the wronged party.
5 minutesFreeA friend
Your own error is worth more than any advice you could give, and it is rarer, because admitting it costs something.
Tell someone about the mistake you made
Sharing your own error is more useful than any advice, and far rarer, because it costs something to say.
5 minutesFreeA friend
For the times the person in front of you is absorbing anger about a decision somebody else made.
Say out loud that it is not their fault
Front-line staff absorb anger for decisions made by people the customer will never meet.
5 minutesFreeA stranger
The small, unambiguous version. Somebody will notice it is gone.
Hand back what the machine gave you by mistake
Money left in a cash machine or an overpaid change is someone's actual money, and they will notice.
5 minutesFreeA stranger