November
The ones nobody asks about
Behind most people having a hard time is somebody else having a hard time quietly. The carer who is asked about the patient. The friend who held it together at the funeral and has not been asked about since. The person who was fine, so nobody rang.
This month is about asking the second question. It is the harder month of the three, and the acts in it are smaller than they look — a message, a date in a diary, two hours on a Tuesday.
Ask the carer before you ask about the patient
Every single conversation starts with how the ill person is doing. The carer is asked second, or not at all.
Let a carer complain without fixing anything
Carers are not allowed to be resentful in public. Somewhere to say the unsayable is rarer than practical help.
Tell a carer what you noticed
Carers watch someone decline daily and lose sight of who they were. An outsider's observation gives that back.
Give a carer two hours, not sympathy
The one thing carers cannot buy, borrow or manufacture is time when they are not responsible for anyone.
Send the carer the card, not the household
Cards and gifts go to the patient or to the family. The carer receives almost nothing addressed to them alone.
Take one night shift
Sleep deprivation is the part of caring that breaks people, and it is the hardest thing to ask anyone for.
Ask about the person who died
Grieving people are usually far more afraid of their person being forgotten than of being reminded.
Have a conversation with no illness in it
A carer's entire social life becomes updates about someone else's health. Talking about anything else is a holiday.
Use the dead person's name
People avoid the name to protect the grieving. The effect is that the person disappears from every conversation.
Cover so the carer can see a doctor themselves
Carers routinely postpone their own health appointments for years because there is nobody to take over.
Check on the one who held it together
At every funeral one person organizes everything. They are the last to be asked how they are, often by months.
Diarise the six-month mark
After a death everyone appears for a fortnight and then vanishes. Month six is when the house is quietest.
Remember the date everyone else forgot
The anniversary of a death or a miscarriage is carried privately by one or two people and acknowledged by nobody.
Check whether the heating is actually on
Many older people ration heating in silence. Cold homes cause a large, measurable share of winter deaths.
Keep inviting after the diagnosis
People stop inviting the seriously ill to ordinary things, assuming they cannot come. Being asked is the point.
Fill in the benefits form with them
Carer's and disability forms run to dozens of pages and are refused on technicalities. Help with one is worth real money.
Talk to the person, not over them
People who are ill or disabled are routinely discussed in the third person while sitting in the room.
Make leaving early unremarkable
Chronic illness, anxiety and pain all mean sometimes going home. The hard part is having to explain in front of everyone.
Take the photograph nobody is taking
In the last months of an illness, families stop taking pictures. Afterwards those are the ones they want most.
Read about it so they do not have to explain
People with a rare diagnosis spend their lives educating everyone around them. Arriving informed is a rest.
Offer a menu, not an open question
'Let me know if you need anything' puts the work of asking onto the person with least capacity to ask.
Invite the child everyone stops inviting
Parents of disabled children describe the birthday party invitations drying up as the loneliest part.
Answer a child as if they could understand
Children ask real questions and get deflections. A serious answer is memorable precisely because it is so unusual.
Answer the message you have been avoiding
The longer a reply is owed the harder it gets, and the person waiting has usually assumed something worse than the truth.
Apologize to a child properly
Adults rarely apologize downwards, and a child who is never apologized to learns that power decides who was wrong.
Stay on the call after the bad news
Redundancies and rejections are usually delivered and then immediately followed by everyone logging off.
Apologize without explaining yourself
Most apologies contain a defense, which converts them into an argument the other person now has to have.
Talk to the child who is not performing
At any family gathering one child holds the room and another is under the table with a book.
Bring food in a container they never have to return
A borrowed dish is a small ongoing debt. Food in something disposable is a gift with no strings at all.
Ask about the hobby you find boring
Everyone has an enthusiasm their friends politely do not ask about. Asking properly once is a gift.
Every one of these is in the library, with the reason it lands and how long it takes.